laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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