Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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