I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
