It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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