Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize