Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
