Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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