There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
