I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
