Who did Billy Mays play for?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
