i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
