Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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