I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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