i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
