i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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