i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
