hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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