If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
