Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
