we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
