were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
