Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
