I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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