Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
