I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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