i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
