Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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