I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
