you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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