I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
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I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I want a musical about memes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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