I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
