I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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