I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
