you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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