theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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