Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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