I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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