I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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