tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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