My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
