Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
