im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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