We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Shame - the story of my life.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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