youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am one with the molecules
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
