I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
