I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
