Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
