Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
