just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
