it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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